it was a strange and interesting day at the Naples, FL zoo. It being a hot summer day in Florida, you can’t expect too much excitement, just lots of animals lounging and trying to be cool. But there were a couple of things worth mentioning. It was fun watching the female lion stalking the guys working around their enclosure. They were doing some grounds keeping work. They are still fairly young lions, even though they look fully grown. She was just playing. I’m sure that if there wasn’t a fence between them that they would have become the funnest of toys. The other most interesting thing we saw was the zebra that seemed to think it was posing for some kind of a porno spread. Yes, it looked as if he was purposely posing and was very happy to let it all hang down. I guess all animals have their own form of intimidation. I’ve heard tales of the legendary donkey shows, but never a thing about the zebras.
Here’s a shock. The Situation admits that he hit rock bottom. Gee, was that the moment when he realized that he was the Situation? This was actually all about drug abuse. He says he didn’t want people to someday wonder what had happened to him and to just be known as that really cool guy from “Jersey Shore.” I don’t think that’s a problem. Do you think he will ever realize that he didn’t become famous for having any kind of talent or for doing something good but for making an ass of himself on an internationally aired TV show? Probably not. Now if he would have been filming all of the partying he was doing in his time off of the show, just imagine the hours of entertainment he would have had and the money he could have made selling it. I guess there is a reason he is in front of the camera rather than behind it.
Continuing on with what I started earlier in regards to the Colorado shooting spree at the midnight Batman showing: There is obviously no doubt that the “alleged” shooter did it. The question is just going to be what to do with him. There is also no doubt that he is crazy, short a few marbles, having a few screws loose and probably some of them missing. The law has a strange way of looking at crazy people, of course. Will the professionals find him fit to stand trial? He could be relegated to a loony bin (I know all the politically correct terminology) rather than prison if the professionals decide that he is crazy. There are already those who are calling for the death penalty. No surprise there. There are still those out there who want to believe that our system of law and the prisons that go along with them are about rehabilitation, but some of us know better. It is more about revenge and an eye for an eye than anything else, no matter how civilized we want to believe we are, especially when it comes to something like capital punishment. Strapping someone into a chair and setting the controls for crispy is hardly a form of rehabilitation. Of course, if people are really after revenge than the death penalty is hardly worth it. It’s too quick. Pop, it’s over. And it’s done as humanely as possible. Wouldn’t want that poor bastard to feel a thing, now would we? If you really want revenge than torture is the best bet. How much pain can you put him through and still keep him alive. This used to be an art form in some places many years ago. Ah, but polite society doesn’t allow for torture. They kind of frown on it. The only other alternative is to keep him alive. Remind him every day of his life what he did and what the result was. Maybe he will actually feel guilty enough someday to take care of the problem by himself. He’s a smart guy. He’ll think of a way. I prefer a more scientific approach. I say dissect his brain. Let the specialists he used to work with study it and see if there is something different about it that may have caused him to think that this kind of activity is appropriate. If it could possibly help stop others from going on killing sprees than I am all for it.
The world is a strange place. Has anyone ever told you that? Just ask Batman. He can’t even have a movie premier without some whack job showing up and spoiling everything. Who knows why he did it. He probably doesn’t know himself. There was this crazy notion that seemed to make sense at the time, but now . . . For those who are searching for a reason or some kind of motivation for this act: the reason you call it crazy is because it doesn’t make sense. They can debate his sanity all they want; no sane person murders a bunch of people (or any people, for that matter). There has to be some screw loose somewhere in order for someone to find a logical reason to justify a thing like this to themselves, if no one else.
Comedic acting great Fred Willard has found a new calling. He was caught by police performing a lewd act upon himself in an adult movie theatre. They say he is best known for his role in the dog training film “Best in Show.” I’m sure the police didn’t consider his show to be the best. Willard has had guest roles in numerous television shows and has appeared in an extensive list of movies over the years. I couldn’t say whether he has appeared with Pee Wee Herman either professionally or on a personal level, but they seem to share something in common. I must say that I am actually impressed by this latest performance on the part of Mr. Willard. At the age of 72, it is amazing that he is still performing lewd acts upon himself. It gives hope to all of us. I don’t know if there are any artificial stimulants involved, but having the desire and drive to still be a pervert at that age is ok in my book. There is nothing whack about Willard . . . or is there?
Apparently London isn’t impressed with Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney. Their concert was shutdown Saturday night after it ran past the 10:30 PM curfew. God forbid these nasty rockers should be allowed to have their fun. They were playing an outdoor concert in Hyde Park, which abuts a ritzy section of London that has a tendency to complain about noise. They are not fond of the frequent outdoor shows that are held there. I guess if it is not some opera star shoving their thumb up their ass to make themselves scream louder then it’s not really art. I could see the point of these snooty bastards if it were, say, the Sex Pistols’ first ever tour. Then there might arguably be some noise issues. But we are talking about Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney here. And, hey, wasn’t Paul McCartney knighted by the royal family? Why, even the Queen of England wouldn’t tell Paul McCartney he can’t play. Sure, Bruce Springsteen does have a tendency to ramble on a bit and play for hours, but that’s no reason to shut him down. Let’s be honest. We are talking about a bunch of senior citizens playing their music a little too loud and a little too late at night. Be glad they’re still able to do it. Just wag your finger at them, shake your head and get on with your life. It’s not like they are really hurting anything. This should really be handled in true English fashion. Round up everyone responsible for shutting them down and off with their heads.
It’s that time again, kids. If you had the psychotic abilities that I am cursed with then you would know what I am talking about. But since you don’t, I will have to tell you. It is time once again to look in the old crystal bowel and see what the future has in store for us. I see so many exciting things ahead that I just can’t contain them. They are just bursting out of me in an uncontrollable run of information. Prepare yourself for the truths, peoples. Tom Cruise faces some hard times ahead, what with the loss of his coveted and caged family. Isn’t it sad when they are able to escape like that? There should be laws in place to stop things like that from happening. But there is hope for him. Tom will be facing the future with the help of his new love. No, he’s not gay (at least he’s not admitting to it yet) and his new love is not John Travolta. One good hard look in the mirror was enough to tell Tom who his true love really is. Look for the video to show up on the internet real soon (or don’t, if you have any pride or self respect at all). The question is how Tom could go behind his own back to sell a sex tape of himself. The word is that Tom will be fuming when He finds out about it. And he thought himself was someone he could trust. That bastard. Speaking of John Travolta, is there something wrong with a man showing someone how he feels? I guess it depends on what he is feeling and whether the other person wants it felt. In political news, Mitt Romney has great plans for your future. Of course, you’ll have to buy your own lubricant since under his plan the government isn’t going to pay for it. In music news, Justin Bieber will get a tattoo of his face on his own ass since that is the only place where he doesn’t already have it. At least he’ll have something to show people when he is in his late twenties, fat and bloated and living on the streets. “This is what I looked like when I was a star.” Unfortunately, the tattoo will be as stretched out and distorted as his own face. Steven Tyler is returning to Aerosmith full time and leaving that part time gig behind him. He will soon discover that stage diving really isn’t his thing anymore. He’s never been very good at it. It’s nice to have him back in real music again, though, especially when he’s able to stay on his feet. Oprah will someday have her own television network. I know you scoff at this, but it’s true. Adele will do an ad campaign for family planning and birth control. Howard Stern will declare himself the center of the universe and that all things revolve around him. The sad thing is, he might be right. Someone in television will decide to do a reality show. Do you really need more information than that? It will be a horribly unwatchable peace of crap that no one will be able to take their eyes off of because it will be impossible to believe that someone is actually getting paid to be that stupid. Michael Jackson will still be dead for most of the rest of the year. Don’t look for that comeback just yet. Comedy Central will decide to do a series of specials featuring unfunny has-beens in desperate need of some cash to support their drug habits, put them all on a stage together where they will get shitfaced and tell each other just what they think of them and then later try to pass it all off as jokes, even though there wasn’t anything remotely funny about any of it. Wait a minute. They’re already doing that. They call it a roast. Never mind. Charlie Sheen will become a women’s rights activist and someday be respected and revered for his important contributions to mankind and for his amazing talents in and out of the acting profession. Just kidding. You people will believe anything. He could use a donor for that liver transplant, though. And those are just a few of my predictions for the upcoming future.
A group of college students have written a paper saying that Batman could fly with the help of his cape like he did in the 2005 film “Batman Begins,” but he wouldn’t survive the landing. His cape would have to be bigger in order for it to work. This is some mighty fine work on their part, but one must also take into consideration the ability of the writers of this paper to get laid. This would be a much more important factor to consider in this case. After all, the movie is a work of fiction and part of the fun of such things are the necessary suspensions of reality that make the bigger than life feats possible. The fact that these students actually took the time to do the necessary math to figure out the more than obvious fact that Batman in real life could never do the things the character can achieve in movies suggests that they may have a difficult time getting a date, let alone achieving the necessary copulation that would bring about the procreation required to pass on their genetic signatures. One can only come to the conclusion that here is a group of people with way too much time on their hands.
There is a new video available on the music page at www.myfunnystories.com. It is basically the video for the instrumental “Deranged.” It’s not exactly the same as the recorded version, but it has much of the same elements. It’s just me playing one handed guitar.