The new song is ready. I think I warned everyone once that the songs can sometimes turn serious. This one takes on child abuse. I was never abused as a child, but I have known people who were. It is very frustrating when you are young and have no clue what to do in that situation, when the people who are supposed to be the protectors and authority figures are the ones you need protection from. The first verse was written years ago. The chorus was an idea for a different song that I came up with around the same time. I thought the two just worked well together. The chorus captures the desperation that someone in that position feels in a very powerful way. I’ve always felt that this was some of my best work. It has been following me around in the back of my mind for years just waiting for the chance to get out. I recently sat down and wrote the second verse for it and here it is. I hope you like it. Go to the music page at www.myfunnystories.com and click on “I’ve Got a Gun” to hear it. And if you excuse me, I am going to relax for the rest of the day and then go back to trying to be funny again.
Leave it to Walmart to start the psychotic holiday shopping tradition of Black Friday in a big and wonderful way. Naturally, Walmart had to make sure they got the upper hand on other stores by starting their big sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, rather than waiting until Friday actually began. And then leave it to a brilliant Walmart shopper to think it would be a smart move to spray pepper spray on the rest of the crowd who were waiting with her for a chance at some electronics that were just being unveiled at 10 o’clock. Not only did she not get the product she was after, but now the police are looking for her. Hopefully Walmart’s crack security was able to capture the event on camera so they can remember it always. Let’s look for that on YouTube in the days to come. I hate shopping in Walmart on a normal day. I don’t want to think about what it is like to go in one on the craziest shopping day of the year. I’m sure it has got to be a dream come true. I think part of the reason that Target is doing as well as they are is because so many people just don’t want to shop at Walmart anymore. Their prices really aren’t that much better than elsewhere, if at all, the checkout people are working in some kind of time warp that makes them move slower than you would think was humanly possible and most of the shoppers make you think you’re in the middle of a very bad horror film. Maybe that is their new marketing strategy. Are you brave enough to shop in a Walmart?
Do I have to be the one who comes out in defense of Jimmy Fallon’s “Late Night” house band, The Roots? I don’t see anyone else doing so. Here is the back story. They had a little fun when whack job Republican presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann appeared on the show. The band plays a song whenever a guest comes out onto the stage. That song tends to be a snippet of a song that says something about the guest. The band chose to play the Fishbone song “Lyin’ Ass B—” when she came out. I am unfortunately not familiar with the song, so I am assuming that the B— stands for Bitch. Now I’m sure that if someone watching the show hadn’t recognized the song and had a great laugh telling the entire world about it, then Michelle Bachmann never would have had a clue. But she found out and immediately took advantage of the free publicity and started screaming sexual bias and Hollywood elite to everyone who would listen. Now Jimmy Fallon and the NBC brass just jumped like mad to slobbering all over her lily white ass apologizing for the song choice, saying they had nothing to do with it. Now I will defend The Roots and their song choice. It has nothing to do with sexual bias or any other attention getting smoke that Michelle Bachmann is spewing out of her ass. I believe it has more to do with them expressing their opinions on her politics than anything else. The reality is that she is part of the Washington elite that are currently dragging our economy through the gutter in an attempt to make the rich richer at the expense of the poor. They used that song not because they were looking down on her for being a woman but because she is a “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” who doesn’t give a damn about the American people that she supposedly represents. I hope that clarifies things for those of you out there who weren’t quite sure what was going on.
Did you ever have one of those days? I was making good progress in the recording of a new song and guess what happens. All of a sudden the digital recorder I am using tells me that it is out of memory. It uses a card for memory storage. I have a spare. I switched them out and hoped for the best, but expected the worst. Sure enough, all the work I had already done was no longer saved on either one of the cards. Ah, but such is life. I was thinking that there were things I could have done differently. So now I have a chance to do so. So there will be a slight delay in the appearance of the next song, but it could be better because of it. Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing. Or maybe I’ll take advantage of the opportunity to do so. I hope you will think the new song is worth the extra wait.
The Pakistan Telecommunications Authority has ordered cellphone companies to block texts featuring some 1500 English and Urdu words that could be considered offensive to persons in positions of authority. Among those words were the highly offensive Jesus Christ, headlights and tampon. Fart also made that list. How can teenage boys possibly text anything if they can’t use the word fart? And if headlights is on the list, does it also contain knobs, melons, hooters, cans and doodads? I am just glad I live in a country where I can still text things like, “Jesus Christ, if it weren’t for my girlfriend’s amazing headlights I just couldn’t live with her smelly farts.” I’m just glad that will never happen.
What is the most important question that comes to mind more and more when watching the actions of Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain? Just how crazy is a shithouse rat? You have to start by asking just what makes a shithouse rat crazy? Is it the shithouse itself that makes the rat crazy or is the rat already crazy for wanting to live in a shithouse? Or could it possibly be a combination of the two? The rat may already be crazy for wanting to live in a shithouse, but does the conditions of the shithouse serve to enhance the craziness of the rat? These are very important questions that we must ask ourselves when thinking about Herman Cain.
One of the great things about living in Florida are the abundant county, state and even national parks there are to visit, most of them with some walking trails. They are fine places to visit for those of you who like to see things natural and also get some exercise in the process. There is always the chance of seeing some creature in its wild and natural state. I take some pleasure in this, knowing that these animals still live in the wild, for a time, at least. Today was a good example of what it is possible to see. Today was the first time I have had a chance to see a real live bobcat. We saw it both on the way into the parking area and then again on the way out. I know it was a bobcat because of its size (a bit bigger than a housecat, but still not frighteningly huge) and also because of its stubby tail. Excuse me for saying that it was very cool to see one. Ad this to my list of great sightings, along with seeing a key deer in the wild while we were visiting the Florida Keys a few years back.
There is a new song in the works. The lyrics have been worked out and I will soon start the process of working out the music. This one will be a little more serious than the last one (Mr. Charming). It promises to be interesting. Look for it hopefully around Thanksgiving.
So what do I think of the new Volkswagen Jetta Sportwagen after having it for a little over a week? I think I mentioned somewhere else that it drives like a wet dream. This is true, but let me elaborate. Let me start with the one annoying thing about the car. I’m sure it is an intentional thing, but it is still a slight bit of a bother, if just a small one. When you push down on the gas pedal there is a slight delay in the acceleration. It is very brief, but it is there. Once it gets going, it gets up to speed at an impressive rate. It was just a question of getting used to this initial delay and avoiding the urge to over-accelerate. Other than that, it is a very fine drive. I believe I made the right choice. We shall see how well it does as time passes. It handles very well and more than meets my expectations. It even has heated seats, a must have for south Florida. I’m sure I will have a use for them once or twice in every year. I would have no problem recommending Volkswagen’s vehicles to those of you who may be on the lookout for a new set of wheels.
How do you spell crazy? If it’s not Herman Cain, maybe it should be. The most recent word is that the Republican presidential candidate was encouraged by none other than God himself to run for office, even comparing himself to Moses. Although he might want to take a closer look. I don’t believe that was a bush he saw burning in his front yard (unless it was George). The strange thing is that Perry’s wife also thinks that God was behind his campaign, as well. Either one of them is wrong, or God is having a hard time making up his mind who he is endorsing. I would be shocked if either one of these people were stretching the truth a tad. I can’t wait to see what comes next on the crazy train to the White House campaign.