Congratulations must go out to Miley Cyrus for being voted the worst influence on teens for the second year in a row. Maybe she’s not so bad after all. Coming out on the top of this most recent poll can only serve to help her credibility amongst the younger generations. They are always on the lookout for things that their parents hate. Considering that she’s not in rehab, she hasn’t been photographed falling down drunk, she hasn’t beaten any of the miner participants on her tour, is she really all of that bad? So she likes to act like a slut on stage and toke on a supposedly legal herb from a bong, is that so wrong? She’s a big girl now.
I don’t often revue movies, but I will make an exception in this case. After seeing the premier of “Megapython vs Gatoroid” on Syfy last night, I felt it deserved mentioning. Not often do you see a movie of this caliber. Not only did the movie feature two monster reptiles, but it also featured a fine war between two former teen idol princesses in Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. One has to marvel at their acting abilities and wonder why they haven’t done this sooner. Debbie Gibson plays a doctor of some sort, something to do with animals I am assuming since she plays one of those animal rights psychos. The movie opens with Miss Gibson’s character and her cohorts hijacking a bunch of snakes from a lab and releasing them into their natural habitat, which apparently, according to this movie, is the Florida Everglades. I always thought they were from farther south, but I must be mistaken. The writers of the movie obviously put a lot of work into researching their facts to make the film as believable as possible. It shows in every scene. Tiffany plays a park ranger or wildlife officer of some sort and is all hot about protecting the alligators, which pythons seem to enjoy killing just for the fun of it, since they never eat them. They just leave dead alligator carcasses everywhere. Tiffany sends her wildlife officers and a posse of hunters on the warpath to track down and kill the pythons, which seem to breed at an alarming rate. Miss Gibson is enraged by the python hunt and gathers her protesters. It was interesting to watch these hunters wading through the Everglades. I only saw boats on a few occasions. I have been in the Everglades and never once felt a desire to wade through them. If I’d have known that the water everywhere was only knee deep I probably wouldn’t have bothered using a kayak to get around in it. I did not realize what a casual experience the Everglades really was, unless of course you happen to run into a python. They like to kill hunters as much as they like to kill alligators. One of the hunters that is killed is Tiffany’s fiancé. This gives her a tearful Oscar consideration moment. 5 seconds later, she is ready for revenge. Tiffany feeds some chickens injected with an experimental steroid to some alligators, hence the gatoroid in the title. The gators begin growing and breeding at an alarming rate. The pythons begin eating the contaminated gator eggs and they start growing too, turning the Everglades into a hellhole populated by monster reptiles. Fun and hilarity soon follows. The two former teen princesses, of course, have to come to blows toward the end of the movie. You can’t put two of them together in one movie and expect them to get along. I won’t give away the ending, like that would mean anything. If you can survive that far into the movie, you deserve to see it for yourself. As far as the two former teen divas are concerned: Tiffany looks like someone told her to grow a pair and she really worked hard at it. They didn’t tell her that the pair they were talking about wasn’t her breasts. Not that she is amazingly obese, but she doesn’t look as if she misses a lot of meals. Debbie Gibson, on the other hand, didn’t bother to grow any at all. She is still thin and has a shapely behind, which Tiffany’s fiancé was admiring appreciatively at one point, which is probably why he had to die. The movie came out too late to be considered for the current Oscars, or I’m sure it would be all the buzz. It will probably be forgotten about by the time the nominations are considered for next year. That is definitely a shame. I give this one four cheeses because it is definitely a very cheesy movie. Be sure and see it on Syfy because it is free and it will probably be on again another 100 times this year. And don’t forget to see Debbie Gibson’s other movie about the megashark and the octopus. She seems to be doing a mega animal series. I wonder what will be next, “Megachipmunk vs Geckorecko?”
You have to give Rush Limbaugh credit. There aren’t many people who can anger an entire race of people, but Rush can always find a way to do it. When the leader of China was visiting the United States and had his meeting with the press and President Barack Obama, Rush was on his radio show making fun of the Chinese language, mocking it with his own version of the dialect. Now Americans who are of Asian descent are calling for an apology and urging everyone to boycott advertisers that frequent Rush’s show. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Wait until the Chinese finally foreclose on the United States. Do you think they aren’t making note of these kinds of things? You think you see signs of Socialism now, wait until they take over. Didn’t Confucius say something about kissing the ass that beats you, maybe it won’t be quite so hard? I may be confusing him with Charlie Sheen. They have similar philosophies.
Someone has filed a lawsuit against Taco Bell claiming that they don’t use all beef in the meat mix that is used in most everything they make. They are suggesting that it contains binders and fillers. Taco Bell says that their meat is all beef, the only additive is the mix of spices that they use. The person who filed the suit claims that they aren’t looking for money (bullshit), they just want Taco Bell to come clean about what they are using. So, you are paying a lawyer (I’ll guarantee the lawyer isn’t doing it for free) and wasting court time on a pointless lawsuit. Does anyone care if Taco Bell’s meat is all beef or not? It’s fast food, not gourmet dining. It looks like meat and is mighty tasty. That’s all I care about. Or is this person mistaking those refried beans for filler? Psst, it’s a separate ingredient. I’m kind of surprised they actually use meat. Taco Bell is one of my favorite places. All of the ingredients that are in their products have to be legal food substances or they wouldn’t be in there. That’s the important issue. I’m not sure I really want to know what’s in there. That might spoil the fun. Remember when McDonald’s was accused of using earthworms as a filler in their burgers? Did that stop you from eating there? No. They had a way with earthworms. Do you remember when McDonald’s was accused of using kangaroo meat (which made absolutely no sense since you would think that kangaroo meat would be much more expensive and harder to come by than either beef or earthworms)? Did that stop you from eating there? Hm, you said while looking at the burger. Bring me another of these kangaroo jobbies. I’m not giving up on Taco Bell just yet. If the thought of what is in the beef frightens you then get the chicken, if that doesn’t look too much like squirrel or badger meat.
In an unrelated note: Jimmy Buffett needs to give up stage diving. He’s not very good at it.
For those of you out there who are legitimately trying to leave comments, comment spamming is a problem. I delete hundreds of them every day that are obviously not for me or are generic enough that they could be for any site. I appreciate your thoughts and would like to read them. It only takes a few idiots to turn a good thing into a pain in the ass. If you mention myfunnystories in the comment I will know that it is for me. Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you soon.
Parents, is your son suddenly into bath salts. Don’t worry, he’s probably not gay. Do worry, he’s probably getting high. That is the latest new craze among the mentally challenged, or teenagers, as some would call them. Today’s newest drug of choice is the bath salt. There are a few different kinds out there that are being manufactured with different stimulants in them. Since it is not meant for consumption, it is not being regulated, although many states are trying to find quick ways to do so. The salts are being snorted, injected and smoked. The problem is that they are not designed to be snorted, injected or smoked. Poison control centers across the country are getting more and more calls from people about this new use for the chemicals. The salts are causing very severe and sometimes fatal effects in their users. Remember the good old days when kids would score a nickel bag or have someone buy them a six pack. Whatever happened to those days?
Say it isn’t so. It is reported that Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd, may have cheated on her. He allegedly made several trips to a massage therapist who was later arrested on prostitution charges. How could this be? Sarah Palin is an attractive woman. I’m sure her image has given rednecks everywhere seconds of pleasure. And with that winning personality, how could you ever yearn for anything more? Why, her family is just the epitome of good old fashioned values . . . the real ones, not the ones conservatives try to convince us they live by.
There is a bank robber in Austria who commits his crimes while wearing a Barack Obama mask. He has been dubbed the “Obama Robber” by local media. They believe it is a local because he speaks the dialect very well . . . or is it? Here is my theory: Could it be the real Barack Obama? Is he trying to find ways to cut into the United States’ national debt? Where was he at the time that this last robbery was taking place? How much was taken in the latest robbery and was that amount mysteriously knocked off the U.S.’s national debt? Someone needs to look into this matter. I’m sure there has to be at least one conservative whack job out there who will take my theory seriously and jump all over it.
Regis Philbin announced today on his show “Live With Regis and Kelly” that this would be his last year on the show. No specific date was given, but he did say that he would be leaving toward the end of the summer. Let’s hope the quick witted host finds a way to make it a memorable exit. Finding his body swinging from the rafters on that final day would certainly be memorable, but that might be a little too depressing. How about if he pulls out an assault rifle and starts gunning down crew members. Maybe they can get Kathy Lee to come back for that one. They could have someone yelling in the background, “Oh, the humanity. Oh, the humanity,” as the cameras stay focused on the mounting carnage until the camera man is finally taken out. The last thing we see as the camera swings away is the police rushing in and Regis going down in a spray of bloody bullets. No, I’m sure Regis will just settle for some feel good ending where everyone is all happy and looking back at all of those wonderful years he had on the show. . . until the crew members release there tell all book, they can do that now that the old bastard has finally left the show.
Ooops, he did it again. Kanye West has angered people once again. This time by twitting about Britney Speers. This one was meant as a joke though. Britney’s new song is number one on the charts while his is number two. Kanye’s twit went like this, “Yo Britney, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you be #1, but me and Jay-Z’s single is one of the best songs of all time!” He later added an LOL at the end of it so people would know he wasn’t serious. This still didn’t make people happy, especially Britney’s manager who twitted a sarcastic thank you note. I guess when you have a bad reputation as a whiny boy you don’t get the luxury of trying to be funny anymore. Kanye later removed the twit altogether, explaining that he was happy for her and that he thought LOL meant that you weren’t serious. I’m sure Taylor Swift was laughing.