Taylor Lautner sued an RV dealership for not providing an RV on time to use as a dressing room at the beginning of a film he was doing.  The story seems simple enough.  If you say you can deliver something on time and you don’t, you’re responsible.  Now the owner of the RV dealership says he wants to settle things out of court with a pushup contest.  It sounds strange at first, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea.  Why not save court time and taxpayers’ money by settling as many cases out of court as possible.  The fairest way to work it would be as follows:  Step one would be that the accused would have to admit that they were wrong.  If they refused to admit they were wrong, the case would still have to go to court to decide.  An accused bodybuilder in a pushup contest against a 90 year-old would hardly be fair.  Whatever contest was decided upon (pushups, boxing match, duel to the death) would have to be stacked in favor of the accuser.  The extent of the advantage that the accuser would have would depend on the severity of the offense.  For the above Lautner and RV dealership case, a pushup contest would be fine.  Lautner would do normal pushups and the dealer would do pushups with Lautner sitting on his back.  Whoever does the most pushups wins.  In a more severe case, such as murder, a family member of the victim would do normal pushups while the accused would do pushups with the family members of the victim jumping up and down on his back while wearing golfing shoes.  Yes, it sounds like a good idea to me.  And it would save the country so much money. 

                How many of you made it to the World Testicle Cooking Championships on Saturday?  It takes place in the Serbian mountains, in case you want to mark it on your calendar for next year.  Yes, they have a wide range of testicles to choose from.  You can have bull testicles, boar testicles, camel testicles, ostrich testicles or even kangaroo testicles.  They’re so delicious, they just hop right into your mouth.  How can you go wrong with some tasty testicle goulash or pizza?  It’s just amazing how many different ways there are to prepare your testicles.  For all of you out there who are just dying for some testicles (you know who you are) this is the place to be.  Don’t forget to make your reservations for next year.   

                Remember those old Cheech and Chong films?  Police in Las Vegas pulled over a car that was driving down the street leaving a suspicious smelling trail of smoke behind it.  The smoke smelled remarkably like a controlled substance that most of you can guess at.  Now, doesn’t this sound like a scene from a Cheech and Chong film?  What hilarity would come next, after the car was pulled over?  Why, celebrity socialite Paris Hilton would be found in the passenger seat.  It gets better.  She was arrested for cocaine possession.  Ok, you can stop laughing now.  It wasn’t that funny.  How come we didn’t see this on the Simple Life?  No word on who the driver was or whether or not he was arrested.  It’s just good to know she’s learned her lesson.

                A man was caught receiving a kilo of cocaine shipped in a hunk of bologna.  It has a street value of $100,000.  That’s one expensive piece of bologna.  Where do you order these things?  Is there a catalog?  What comes with the holiday sausage sampler pack? 

                Speaking of sausage samplers, Levi Johnston is in the news again.  Sarah Palin’s on again off again on again off again future son-in-law now says that his only regret is apologizing to her for the things he’d said about her and her family.  Saying that everything he’d said was all lies was a lie, it was all true.  It shall remain this way until he wants to get into Palin’s daughter’s pants again, then it will be all lies once more, until five minutes later when the relationship is over again, then it will all be true again.  Are you following this so far?  Now the question is who will be the next lucky lady he sleeps with sans protection?  And you wonder why they want to give this guy a reality show?  He goes on to say that running for mayor or City Council of his home town in Alaska is a popularity contest.  It’s not about your qualifications for the job.  (So, that’s how Sarah got elected.)  He thinks he has a good chance of getting elected.  There is one problem with this theory.  After getting elected, they might actually want you to do the job.  Being impeached is also a popularity contest.  Good luck citizens of Wasilla, Alaska.         

                Miley Cyrus gets spanked by mom.  Yes, someone thought a video of this would be newsworthy.  What I was hoping for when I clicked on this news story was something good.  Maybe her mother severely beats her and has to be pulled off and restrained before being taken to the psych ward.  Or maybe she takes Miley over her knee and gives her the spanking she really needs for being such a bad girl.  Better yet, maybe she jerks those panties down for some bare skin contact so she can give her bottom a good tanning.  No such luck.  All we see is mom playfully chasing Miley around for saying that her mother’s mouth should be sown shut and giving her a few love taps.  What is the world coming to when a headline that promises maladjusted mayhem only produces playful family fun?  I feel like I have been misled and deceived.  I should sue somebody.     

                I was reading the story about George Michael pleading guilty to driving while unfit when I noticed a very interesting detail.  Tests showed that he had taken a therapeutic quantity of an antidepressant as well as gamma-hydroxybutyrate, a date rape drug that tends to leave people groggy and powerless.  The question here is who gave him the date rape drug?  He was found in his car alone and his pants were still on.  Did someone slip it to him because they wanted a piece of that and he got away before they had a chance to?  Was he confused and didn’t understand that he was supposed to give the drug to the person whose pants he was trying to get into and not take it himself?  Or was he just trying to get into his own pants and hadn’t had time to get to a good place to do that before the cops caught up with him?  Will we ever know the truth and do we really want to?

                For all of you millions of people out there who thought they’d already seen “Avatar,” well, the jokes on you.  A new version of the film with an extra 9 minutes never before seen by human eyes hits theatres on Friday.  I’m sure it’s a vitally important 9 minutes that will explain everything that was so unclear before.  Everyone will walk out of theatres saying, “Now I understand.  That James Cameron is one greedy son of a bitch.”  A special edition DVD with the new footage will be released in November, making the one you already bought an obsolete piece of crap.  Your friends will all laugh at you if you don’t run out and buy it, even after watching the old version of the movie 3 times in the theatre and the new version at least 5 times while you try to figure out exactly what is new.  You will have to buy another DVD player and large screen TV just so you can watch the two versions side by side going through each of them one frame at a time until you figure out exactly what is new and what isn’t.  Think of how impressed your friends will be when you sit there and watch it with them and can tell them that this 5 seconds here is new and then, once the movie is over and they can escape from your house, they will discuss what a pathetic loser you are for knowing this as they all walk back to the homes they share with their parents to masturbate to porn on the internet.  You know James Cameron doesn’t masturbate to porn on the internet.  He can afford to pay someone to do that for him.  

                Rod Blagojevich was hanging out at Chicago’s Comic Con comparing himself to a super hero.  He sold pictures of himself for $80 and autographs for $50.  At least there is no problem with his ego.  His helmet headed hair and super sized ego do make Comic Con a perfect place for him.  He feels vindicated that he wasn’t convicted on all counts in his corruption trial.  One juror deadlocking the verdict by not voting to convict him on racketeering charges is hardly vindication.  Maybe people were just confused.  Maybe he wasn’t there to be a super hero.  Super villains are just as welcome at Comic Con.  The fact that he was charging $80 for a picture and $50 for an autograph should have given it away.  But don’t all villains look good until you discover that they only have their own best interests in mind?   

                This is your chance to sit on the same thrown as one of our classic writers.  Yes, the toilet once belonging to J. D. Salinger is going up for sale on eBay.  Asking price, one million dollars.  I know what you’re thinking, “Holy crap, that’s a lot of money to pay for a toilet.”  But look what you are getting for that price, a shiny white toilet.  Ok, so the toilet was manufactured in 1962 and he wrote “Catcher in the Rye” in 1951, so he didn’t actually do his best work there, but I’m sure he did some wonderful things on it.  Think of the inspiration you can derive while sitting on the seat of a master.  Maybe some of his brilliance will absorb into you or waft up over you as you sit there ruminating on the fine things you ruminate over as you take a hardy crap.  This is the chance of a lifetime.  Don’t let it pass you by.

                Jennifer Aniston called herself a retard on Regis and Kelly.  Someone take her out and shoot her.  I saw the clip.  It was completely innocent.  It was an off the cuff reference to the intelligence level required to do her job.  She wasn’t being insensitive to anyone who is mentally challenged.  I’ve heard the word used thousands of times when referring to someone doing something stupid by people who would never use the word when referring to someone who is mentally challenged.  I prefer dumbass, myself.  It’s not like she was saying the N-word over and over again, and just to get our point across, let’s say it a few more times.  First Jennifer Aniston says it would be alright to have and raise a baby on her own and now she’s calling herself a retard.  My god, this woman is completely out of control.  Does she seem just a little too perfect?  How desperate is the media to find something wrong with her.  Maybe her biggest problem is that she’s one of the most well adjusted women in Hollywood.  Now watch her do something really stupid so I’ll have to eat those words.