I hear such horrible news.  Sex and the City 2 was not number one at the box office in its opening weekend.  I am shocked and aghast.  And to top that off, its audience was only 90% women.  Who was this 10% male audience that went to see it?  The article did not say.  Were they gay?  Were they desperate?  Someone out there should stand outside a theater and ask any man they see buying a ticket for Sex and the City 2 just what their problem is.  Enquiring minds want to know.  I’m sure the creative minds behind the Sex and the City franchise would like to know how they can drive out the few men who went to see the latest movie.  You men are ruining it for all of the women who want something that is completely their own.  While you’re at it, stop going to see the Twilight movies.  Their last release received only an 80% female audience.  Any man who went to see either of these movies needs to have his testosterone levels checked.  It may be a little bit lower than it should be.

                In other bad news:  Celine Dion is pregnant with twins.  My god, what is this woman’s problem?  Does she really need to bring more of her evil spawn into the world?  Hopefully they’ll work at McDonald’s or something and not go into the entertainment business.  If they’re just lazy and decide to live off of their inheritance that will be good enough.    

                Alright, add Dennis Hopper to that list, too.  He was the polar opposite of Gary Coleman.  He was a genius at times and a whack job at others.  His career spanned over half a century despite everything he did to sabotage it.  He was a twisted film icon that left an indelible mark on the world.  He left behind a long string of classic and forgettable films.  Whatever the case, his performance was always worth watching.  So long and thanks for entertaining us.

                Add Gary Coleman to the list of celebrities who aren’t going to die this year.  Remember when I said there was not going to be any celebrity deaths this year because there were too many last year?  Why don’t they listen to me?  I won’t beat to death the details of his life and career that everyone else is going to go over and over again in a thousand news stories over the next few days.  I watched and liked Diff’rent Strokes when it was on.  Child stars are a necessary evil in Hollywood, but they aren’t treated real well once the party is over.  They live pampered lives while a show is hot and then suddenly find themselves tossed out on the streets to fend for themselves.  They seldom fare well, although he fared better than the other kids from the show, not having nearly as severe drug and legal problems to deal with.  With his many health problems, I was expecting to hear this news a long time ago.  He had kidney problems as a child that stunted his growth and at least two kidney transplants throughout his life.  Sadly, with his short stature, he was never going to reach the success he had as a child star.  We can try to be all noble and think differently, but a 4’ 8” leading man doesn’t get real far in Hollywood.  It was always fun to see him in the cameos that were thrown his way.  Things like that always bring back fond memories.  Let’s do Gary a favor and remember the happy kid that made us laugh and forget about the surreal vision that became the rest of his life.      

                What would an episode of the Three Stooges be like if it took place on board an oil drilling platform?  Very much like what we have in the Gulf of Mexico right now, I’d wager.  First we had the initial explosion, setting the hilarity in motion.  The trio was in charge of the construction or maintenance that caused the pipe to blow up.  We can work out the exact details in the script later.  Then we have them trying to stop the leak.  “We’re going to drill a hole from the side to try to release the pressure, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.”  “No, let’s stick a hose down there and suck the oil out.”  Slap, bang, crash.  “You knuckle heads!”  “Woop, woop, woop.”  “I know, let’s shove some mud down there.  That should stop it.”  I’m casting the film as we speak.  I need someone who is completely full of crap to play the CEO.  I wonder if Glenn Beck is available?  

                There are so many exciting things going on.  Britney Murphy’s husband was found dead.  The police see no foul play involved.  I’m sure it was just an accident.  He was having flu like symptoms.  No drugs were involved.  He never slept with his wife’s mother.  This would make Britney’s mother the sole heir to her miniscule fortune.  And who was the anonymous female caller to 911 to report this?  Hmmm?

                BP feels really bad about this whole oil spill thingy.  They know it’s frustrating.  They hope to have it stopped sometime in the next 100 years.  I see it as a future tourist attraction.  Come visit the oil slick that was once the Gulf of Mexico.  Look at the pretty colors as the sun glistens off of it.  Oooo.  Aaahhh.  No smoking within a hundred yards of the Gulf please.  Not after that incident that we had last year.  We had a hell of a time putting that fire out.  Now they’re trying to blame the accident on bad cement.  Those damn bad cementers.

                Two people were inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame that I have never heard of and hopefully never will.

                And, finally, a 13 year old boy became the youngest person to climb to the top of Mount Everest.  How wonderful for him.  Now the question is why did his parents let him and will he live to see his 18^th birthday?  

                Congratulations to the Catholic Church for finally moving into the 16^th century.  The body of Copernicus was recently found in an unmarked grave and was given more of a hero’s burial, complete with a headstone featuring a model of the solar system.  While a minor member of the Catholic Church in Poland, he worked in his spared time using advanced mathematical principals to figure out that the Earth revolved around the Sun and not the other way around.  He did this without the aid of a telescope, which hadn’t been invented yet.  His life was spent in obscurity in Poland.  It wasn’t until after his death that his ideas were discovered and embraced by the scientific community.  The Catholic Church, of course, felt differently, deciding that his ideas were heretical and vilifying anyone who tried to advance them.  So, congratulations go out to the Catholic Church for finally being able to acknowledge and accept Copernicus’s theories as reality.  Now if they could just get a handle on such ideas as birth control, gay rights and the idea that maybe this whole thing about forcing priests to be celibate isn’t really working out.  I guess we can’t expect too much all at once.  I’m not sure if they realize the Earth isn’t flat, yet.  Let’s work on that next.

                Who can flee the country to avoid prosecution?  Lindsay Lohan Cannes.  She allegedly went to the film festival to promote her upcoming movie about former porn princess, Linda Lovelace, when her passport disappeared, making it impossible to make her court date Thursday morning.  She insists she’s not pulling a Roman Polanski and will actually return to Los Angeles.  After all, she didn’t rape a 13 year-old girl, she’s just having trouble meeting all of the terms of her probation on DUI charges.  The promotion of her new film seems to require her to attend every party she possibly can to personally tell everyone in Cannes about her upcoming film, which could be delayed if she finds herself in a jail cell.  People in law enforcement just don’t understand the importance of what she is doing.  “This is her job, you know.”

                So the John Travolta family had their dogs run over at an airport in Maine and the very next day they announced that they were having a baby.  They must have been really broken up by the loss to decide to have a baby that quickly after such a traumatic loss that they made absolutely no mention of. 

                A Massachusetts man attempted to trade his 3 month old daughter to a maintenance man outside a convenience store for 2 40 ounce beers.  The maintenance man did the sensible thing and called the police.  The mother was inside the store buying cigarettes at the time.  He was not arrested (why, I don’t know), but he will face charges.  Let’s look at the mistakes that this man made, of which there are several.  First, anywhere in the vicinity of a convenience store is probably not a great place to try to make a good sale of a baby.  It is more of a buyers’ market then a sellers’.  Wal-Mart would be another bad place to try.  You may be able to find someone who will make a trade, but they are not going to be willing to pay market value for your baby.  You need to go someplace where desperate people with money to throw away hang out, say Wall Street, for instance.  Next, a 3 month old baby is worth more than 2 40s.  A keg would have been a much more realistic asking price.  Part of his problem was that he way under bid his asking price right off the bat and made himself appear to be a nut.  No one wants to buy a baby from a nut case.  You never know what kind of issues might come back to haunt you later.  Third, he had obviously had one too many 40s already, since the mother was in the store buying cigarettes and not buying him another 40.  This may have clouded his judgment.  At least now he will have a funny story to tell his daughter when she gets older.