Here’s a great opening line from a story I recently saw. Homeless sex offenders in GA pitch tents in the woods. Yes, I’m sure they do. As long as they’re the only ones who see it, I have no problem with this. Let’s not turn it into a field trip. This brings up that age old question: If a pervert pitches a tent in the woods and no one is there to see it, does it really make a sound? That should have been the headline, but the writer of the story either didn’t have the balls to do it or didn’t understand what they had said.
You got to love Mackenzie Phillips. We know her father did. Is it possible to give a father of the year award posthumously? He definitely deserves some kind of award. He deserves to have it shoved up his ass, but that’s beside the point. I think an Emmy would be best. Sure, John Phillips didn’t work in television, he was in music, but those wings look like they would be most painful when inserted rectally. This award isn’t based on merit, but more of a lack thereof. It’s a shame he died in 2001 so he doesn’t qualify for the dumbass of the year award. He can be given an honorable mention, though. Hopefully Mackenzie’s admissions and tell all book will help her exercise some of her demons.
Speaking of tell all books. I hear Dustin Diamond (Screech) of Saved By the Bell fame has come out with his own tell all book. I’ll be sure to not run right out and get it. Other former stars of the show are already starting to deny his claims. Since he is the one member of the cast who had no career beyond Saved By the Bell, one wonders how much of the book is just a sour grapes I need money syndrome. I can’t imagine why he didn’t get more work considering the caliber of his acting on the show.
Linda McMahon has left her job as CEO of the WWE in order to run for a U.S. Senate seat in Connecticut. What qualifies an executive of a professional wrestling organization to be a member of our government, you ask. Good question. I’m sure she has an answer to this question and will be asked it many times in the future. What qualified her to be the CEO of the WWE other than the fact that her husband was one of the founders of the company? The real question here is whether this is just another publicity stunt or if she really is running for office. No, I can’t imagine World Wrestling Entertainment faking anything. That would be silly. Look at the bright side. At least she’d come with her own body guards. Can you see her showing up at the Capital with Triple H and the Undertaker? No one would be yelling at her that she lied. They might live to regret it. This country needs a good hardcore match on the Senate floor. Better yet, how about a good battle royal? Last man on the floor wins. Let’s try the survival of the fittest approach to law making. It might keep some of these people who are getting old and out of touch from being re-elected.
The official word has come down from the White House. Kanye West is a Jackass. The rest of the world didn’t really need this official confirmation, but it’s nice to have it just the same. It’s the same thing everyone else was thinking. This is a polarizing moment in political history when all parties actually agree on one issue. At a time when there is so much ridiculous bickering over such issues as health care reform, leave it to Barack Obama to find a way to unite all people in a common cause. Yes indeed, Kanye West is a jackass. There hasn’t been an official word from the Republican Party, but there have been enough confirmations from individual republicans to confirm their feelings on this issue. Let me go on to add that Kanye West is a self centered egotistical jackass with a drinking problem, a possible god complex or loss of touch with reality or possibly an inferiority complex manifesting itself in acts of over compensation. Who will be the first politician to step forward and confirm this statement? Oh well, it’s nice to have politicians agree on something, even if it is something this obvious. Now what can we get them to agree on next month? Anyone want to volunteer to do something stupid?
Did Jay Leno make Kanye West cry? Yes, Leno put it to West hard by asking him what his mom would think of his treatment of Taylor Swift at the VMAs. It probably didn’t help much that Kanye West’s mother died two years ago. Should we add hard hitting journalist to Jay Leno’s list of achievements? Or maybe West was crying because Leno’s show sucked. Excuse me for never being a Leno fan. I always thought that choosing him as host was the worst thing that ever happened to the Tonight show and the best thing was when he left. Jay’s standup act sucked, his specials sucked, his stint on the Tonight show sucked. If Jay Leno came out with his own line of vacuum cleaners, I would definitely by one, because it would surely suck.
Goodbye Patrick Swayze. I was really hoping he was going to beat the cancer. If anyone could have done it, it was him.
I would like to announce the Jon vs. Kate cage match coming to a pay per view channel near you. It will be a hard core match. Any weapons they are able to carry into the ring with them they can use (that doesn’t include the kids, please). It’s being billed as the wining, simpering pansy vs. the emasculating bitch. It should be better than anything you’ve seen on their reality show. It is going to be fun. Don’t miss a minute of it.
I see the preparations for the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna are going well. They so far have no A-list stars, although there were some promised. Chris Brown decided to stay at home and beat it, possibly because of his probation. Other people had other commitments. Maybe they should have talked to a few people before booking this concert. I hear Milli Vanilli is available. You wouldn’t even have to hook up their microphones. Just pump Michael Jackson’s original work into the venue and let them pretend to sing to it. Tell everyone to bring a dozen eggs and have some fun. Can you think of a better way to spend an evening?
Nostalgia time again. I’d like to take a quick look at the rise of fast food. McDonald’s is the first fast food chain I remember seeing as a kid. Living in the middle of nowhere, we didn’t get to see places like that very much, or any other places, for that matter. It didn’t hurt that McDonald’s bombarded the television airways with their commercials. Their commercials had great child appeal. They were well populated with a vast assortment of characters that you don’t see anymore. Remember what the Hamburgler was like before they gave us his neutered offspring? God forbid we do anything that might frighten a child or give them any bad ideas before they go off to shed gallons of blood in their video games. What a treat it was when we got to go someplace where we could actually see a McDonald’s in the flesh, so to speak. Everything always seems bigger and better when you’re a child. As you get older and realize that the Big Mac really isn’t that big, it tends to be a bit of a disappointment. When you have to buy something else because those silver dollar sized patties just don’t fill you up, it kind of gets hard to justify paying that much for an over hyped hamburger. I switched to the quarter pounder with cheese when I became a teenager. Now there’s a real patty. You can’t beat the fries, though. As long as you can suck them down before they turn cold, they are the best you will ever find. I remember when McDonald’s first started serving breakfast. We couldn’t wait for our next trip so we could sample these fine morning victuals. They didn’t have all of the breakfast sandwich options that they have now. I had a real breakfast, with pancakes, scrambled eggs and sausage. It all pretty much tasted like the Styrofoam plate that it came on, but it was a McDonald’s breakfast. That made it the greatest breakfast ever.
Other chains have come along to join McDonald’s in the world of fast food, but they were the first. There have been a whole lot more who attempted to join them and didn’t survive. I remember the Crystal restaurants (not to be confused with Krystal’s) in western New York. I don’t know how far reaching they were, but, as far as I know, they are long gone. Then there were the Druthers restaurants when I was briefly in Kentucky that were later bought out by Dairy Queen. I’m sure you’ve had some in your own neighborhood.
It was such a thrill going to these places when I was young. Now that I’m an adult, I realize just how cheap my parents were. They took us to fast food restaurants instead of decent ones. I remember going to a fancy restaurant one time with my parents. It probably didn’t help much that I insisted on ordering a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I wasn’t impressed with the chef. He did a really crappy job on it. But I didn’t say anything. I’d already caused enough of a commotion.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trashing fast food. It’s very handy when you’re in a hurry and don’t have time to either make your own or sit down for a meal. There are just times when you want some real food options.
For those of you who weren’t aware of this, Michael Jackson is dead. Yes, he’s finally been laid to rest 25 years after his initial death. Jackson’s family is not happy about all of the media attention that the ceremony received, even after they asked them to respect their privacy and give them a chance to say their goodbyes in peace, there were still cameras and helicopters everywhere. And they were expecting someone to listen? What fantasy land did they wake up in where tabloids actually care about a celebrity’s feelings? The ceremony was attended by a small group of 200 celebrity guests. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to film this. I’m sure once they figure out which mausoleum he is interred in, there will be round the clock surveillance posted just in case Michael decides to rise from the grave. Hopefully, there will be a slayer standing by to drive a stake through his heart or brain, whatever the case requires. We can’t have a dead Michael Jackson wandering around the world. That would be bad, but it might make an interesting thriller.
I see Miley Cyrus is going to have her own line of clothing. What is the discerning redneck wearing these days? I guess we’ll soon find out. Look for it in a dump bin near you.
I finally saw “Twilight” the other day. I’ve been avoiding it for fear that it would be just what it turned out to be, a very neutered vampire movie aimed at those under the age of 15. It did a pretty good job of ignoring most of the rules that have ever been applied to vampires over the years. At least Anne Rice took the time to explain all of the vampire myths so they made sense. They go to school with normal kids, but only on cloudy days. Sunlight won’t hurt them, but it makes them all bright and shiny, which could make the humans think they are different. Those dumb assed humans ruin everything. The good news is there are a whole lot more cloudy days than sunny ones. Apparently the clouds last all day long where they live and never have a break in them. The movie stars this ugly guy with really huge eyebrows. I can’t believe humans can grow eyebrows that big. You would think he was a werewolf, not a vampire. He will henceforth be known as the unibrow. No, he doesn’t literally have a unibrow, but they are so huge that the name works for me. It’s better than calling him my god those are huge freaking eyebrows. The unibrow falls in love with a human girl, which leads to all kinds of agonizing boredom. The end. I will know better than to see any of the sequels, even for free.