Oh my god, now television shyster Billy Mays is dead. They’re dropping like flies. Who’s gonna be next. This is proof that they go in threes. First there was David Carradine, then Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and now Billy Mays. Yes, I know that’s five. That just means there needs to be one more to make it two even sets of three. If you count that guy I’ve never heard of from that TV show that I never watch who died in a car accident recently it would make an even six, but I’m not ready to count him. He’s not on a par with Billy Mays. I want someone better than that. Place your bets. Who will be the next celebrity to buy the farm? Let’s make it someone I don’t like. How about someone in Country Music?
Sure, I say something nice about Farrah Fawcett and then Michael Jackson dies. Am I now going to say something nice about him? I took a day to think about this. It’s not going to be a glowing tribute, but it won’t be as bad as some might be thinking, or hoping. The thing I will miss most about Michael Jackson is I will no longer be able to say that he is proof that white people are crazy. When he was black, he was cool, but when he turned white, he turned into one crazy mother . . . you get the idea. The Jackson 5 was just a hair before my time. I remember being very young and watching their cartoon on Saturday morning TV with my older brother. I remember how excited he was when some cereal company decided to put some of their singles on the back of their boxes. You just cut it off the back of the box, popped a hole in the center with a pencil and you could play it on your record player. And thus the Jackson 5 made it into our household. Not that we weren’t allowed to have records. We just lived in the middle of nowhere. A grocery store was a lot easier to get to then a record store. Thank God for radio and TV. Yes, Michael Jackson was around a long time. He spent nearly every bit of his 50 years in the public eye. That has got to be daunting for anyone, especially a small child, and I’m sure it affected things he did later in life. I honestly believe he was innocent in the molestation charges. I’m sure that’s not what some people want to hear. My impression always was that he was desperately trying to get back the childhood he never got a chance to have when he was a child, because of his music career. That was the reason for an amusement park home and the sleepovers. I’m sure he did some stupid things he shouldn’t have, but there were no sexual intentions. He just wanted to be a kid again. Unfortunately, Peter Pan doesn’t exist. He was grasping for something he was never going to find. The biggest part of being a child is the innocence of discovery and the loss thereof. Once it’s gone you can’t get it back. He just didn’t have sense enough to realize that an adult having sleepovers with children, especially one’s that aren’t your own, just doesn’t look right to the rest of the world. Eventually someone was going to take advantage of that. Michael Jackson’s life was pretty much split into two parts. The first part was huge creatively, what with the Jackson 5 and his own solo career. Who can deny the impact that Thriller had on the entertainment business in terms of music and video. It is highly unlikely that anyone will ever put out a bigger selling album. It had elements that appealed to everyone. The second part of his life was just as huge in terms of bazaar behavior. The music may have dried up, but he stayed in the headlines with surprising marriages, molestation charges, cosmetic surgeries and dangling kids off balconies. How do you explain that nose you could slice meat with and the paleness of his skin? Was it really a skin disease or the bleaching that some people claimed? All of the cosmetic surgeries made him look more frightening than anything else. Don’t ask me what he was trying to accomplish there. If he wasn’t hanging out with young boys he was hanging out with old women like Elisabeth Taylor and Sophia Loren. With all of the money he made, how did he end up $400 million in debt? Someone should slap his accountant. Who knows what he will be remembered more for, the music or the bazaar behavior? Whatever the case, he has reached legendary status and will not be soon forgotten. Was I shocked to hear that he had died? Yes and no. I was shocked at first, but thinking of all the things he’s done to himself over the years it’s not surprising to hear that he died of a possible heart attack or cardiac arrest. Michael Jackson spent most of his life searching for something he was never going to find when he already had more than anyone could ever hope to have, proof that the grass is always greener.
There are certain milestones in everyone’s life, those events that help to shape you into what you become. One of those events for a young boy is discovering girls for the first time. Charley’s Angels had just come on the air when I was at that age. Farrah Fawcett just naturally drew my attention. How could I not be infatuated with such a beautiful woman? Sure, I knew the odds were pretty good that I would never meet her and even if I did there was no way she would want anything to do with a stupid little kid like me, but it deffinitely gave me something to aspire to. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming. I didn’t have the bathing suit poster that everyone remembers. I had one she did after that where she is wearing nothing but a white dress shirt. I liked it better than the bathing suit poster. I remember my mother being upset that I had it. I should have consulted her first. Yeah, right. I could see that conversation happening on a cold day in Hell. I distinctly remember the person with my mother when she discovered the poster saying, “She’s not wearing any underwear.” Yes, I loved that poster of Farrah. She had a fan for life. I wouldn’t exactly call Farrah Fawcett my first love, but it was definitely the first time I really took notice of anyone, and I thank her for that. Every boy has there first major infatuation and Farrah was mine. I was saddened to hear the cancer finally got the better of her. Goodbye to you, Farrah. This is one stupid little boy who won’t forget you.
I have heard the horrible news. I can barely write this through the tears. Jon and Kate have filed for divorce. How can I go on? Does anything else in the world matter? This is probably what really caused the problems in Iran. It has nothing to do with democracy gone haywire. All of the rioting is because they are upset about the breakup of Jon and Kate. It’s understandable. I had to bust up some furniture and throw some people around the house when I heard the news. Why, Jon and Kate, why? This is probably why David Carradine hung himself. He saw it coming and just couldn’t face living in a world without Jon and Kate. Or maybe it was those pictures of Kate in a bikini that were plastered on the cover of every magazine in the country that did it. But don’t despair. There is still hope for next season. Just think of how much fun next season will be if the show continues with them apart. I’m sure there will be lots of snipy little comments about the other one when they’re not around. We can hear about what a whore Kate is. We can hear about that bastard Jon and what a bad influence his new girlfriend is on the kids. Someone tell the people in Iran, over doesn’t necessarily mean over. The show can still go on. If not. Who cares?
The FCC received 800,000 calls this week about TV’s digital conversion, which happened on Friday. There probably would have been twice as many calls if the date hadn’t been changed from February. Way to procrastinate, people. Did you think they weren’t serious? How long have we been hearing about this? Suddenly your TV doesn’t work and now you decide you might need to do something. It’s so sad that you can’t see your programs anymore. Hell, I even have TV on my phone, and you can’t handle getting a free converter box so you can watch TV at home. Good thing we’re not living in the Stone Age. These would be the people that wouldn’t survive. We’re using bows and arrows now instead of sharpened sticks? When did this happen?
For everyone who didn’t realize that Adam Lambert is gay. Duh. What threw you off? Was it the makeup? I thought it was funny when Clay Aiken criticized him. Is Clay mad because he’s not gay enough? He’s an affront to every closeted gay man in America. Shame on you, Adam Lambert.
Chastity Bono is going to begin her transition to manhood. She feels like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Are you sure you want to do that, Chas? It’s not like you’re taking parts away that you don’t want anymore. Are you sure medical science has advanced enough that they can add parts that may or may not work properly? How does that work? Do they put a little pump in the left testicle so you can inflate it for those special occasions? Why not just find a way to be happy with who you are?
Yes, it’s sad to hear that David Carradine died. I’ve always been a fan. At least he died happy. At least he died doing something he loved . . . himself. It’s nice to know that at 72 he still had the desire to auto-eroticly asphyxiate himself. It gives hope to the rest of us. I guess he won’t have a chance to start that new series, “Hung Fool.” In all honesty, he will be missed, but who can pass up an opportunity like that?
Are you tired of hearing about Jon and Kate yet? They seem to be the headline on every rag in America. Oh no, they might not be together anymore. They’re faking it for the show. They wouldn’t have the show if it weren’t for the fact that she pumped out a litter of six kids. I don’t care if their marriage falls apart. I don’t care if she has a man-whore she calls a body guard. The next season of their show should be called “Jon vs. Kate Who Gets the Eight?” Let’s hope their fifteen minutes of fame ends quickly so we don’t have to hear about them anymore. I hear octomom signed a deal to do her own reality show. That should be exiting. I can’t wait not to watch it. I’m tired of reality shows clogging up the airwaves. Is there any has been celebrity who hasn’t had their own reality show? Like we’re supposed to believe that their performances aren’t influenced by all of those cameras that are following them around. I want a real reality show. Hide some nanny cams around the house and don’t tell anyone they’re there until the shoot is over. Then you’ll see some reality. What do you mean, it’s not legal? The FBI plants bugs all the time. All we have to do is convince a judge that the family is doing something illegal. Do you want to know what celebrities do when they think no one is watching? Just think of the fun we could have.