Looks like Jose Conseco has a wonderful future ahead of him in mixed martial arts.  His first professional match lasted a whole 1 minute and 17 seconds.  No, he wasn’t the winner.  It was a very convincing defeat.  Of course he had an excuse.  He hurt his knee and knew that if he went down, he wouldn’t be able to get back up again.  Boo hoo.  Whatever.  You should have staid on the steroids, Jose.  You ever wonder why baseball players feel the need to take steroids?  It’s not like you have to be an athlete to play the game.  2 people play catch while another one stands between them and tries to hit the ball with a club.  Every once in a while they have to run for a few seconds.  This requires some hand eye coordination, but not a lot of athletic ability.  If some half drunk middle aged lard ass can whack the ball out of the park in his Saturday afternoon softball league, how pathetic is it that some baseball players feel the need to take steroids?  Maybe they should just put a keg in the dugout.   After 17 years in professional baseball, Jose has to do stupid things like this because he needs the money.  Should we feel bad for Jose Conseco?  I don’t think so.  Should we laugh and make fun of him?  You bet your ass.  How many millions of dollars a year did he make playing baseball?  Talk about some savvy investments.  Maybe he should write a book.  Not one about who is taking steroids in baseball, but one about investing for your future.  Maybe he should do a video, go on a lecture tour.  “How I took millions of dollars and turned it into hundreds.”  Way to go, Jose.  Can’t wait to see your next fight. 

                Does anyone remember when Tom Hanks was funny?  Sure he’s one of the greatest actors of our time.  Sure he’s made some of the best movies ever made.  But how many people remember the outrageous comedic performances that introduced Tom Hanks to the world?  I do.  I want to see the old Tom Hanks again.  Where is our “Bosom Buddies” reunion show?  Wouldn’t we all like to see Tom Hanks in drag again?  It would be a refreshing change from the stuffy actor he has become.  Like he doesn’t wear a dress when he’s at home.  And what about “Bachelor Party 2:  Restating Our Vows?”  Everyone remembers how much fun he was in the original “Bachelor Party.”  Adrian Zmed hasn’t worked in years.  I’m sure he’d love to do the movie.  I don’t see a “T. J. Hooker” reunion in his future.  Tawny Kitaen’s career isn’t looking all that hot, either.  I’m sure they could both use the paycheck.  Come on, Tom, let’s get the gang back together and make another movie.  What’s that you say?  Tom Hanks is getting too old to do something crazy.  He might fall and break his hip.  We’re not talking about doing pratfalls.  I just want to see the crazy Tom Hanks of old one more time.  I know he’s got it in him.  I see flashes of it from time to time.  The old Tom Hanks is still in there, waiting for a chance to escape.  How about “Big 2:  Even Bigger?”  I’m waiting for an answer, Tom.  Just don’t expect me to hold my breath.            

                A reality show star might be having an affair.  Oh my god!  My first question is:  Why is this news?  These are stars of a show on a network that hardly anyone watches.  They have no previous celebrity.  This show is there only claim to fame.  If it weren’t for this show, no one would know or care who they are.  This news comes conveniently as their show is getting ready to start a new season.  Does this sound like a publicity stunt to get more viewers?  If it weren’t for this news, I would have never heard of them.  If they’re going to try publicity stunts, why not go all out and try something that will really bring in some viewers.  They could have the wife have an affair with another reality show star, Hulk Hogan.  I hear he’s available.  That should spice things up.  Keep the husband on his toes.  Hogan can elaborate on why he now understands how OJ felt.  That should liven things up.  Think of the fun we could have altering different reality shows.  Dancing with the Stars on the streets of Caracas.  If the locals don’t like what they see, you don’t make it to the next episode.  Even if they do like what they see, you might not make it to the next episode.  Hand over your valuables and run like hell.  Why not a reality show about celebrities in prison.  They already have a pretty good start on that.  Just round them all up and stick them on the same cell block.  Throw in some inmates on death row to make it even more interesting.  Which ones will make it to the next episode?  I see an Emmy here.  How come I’m not working for a network?