Inspired by the wonderful people at AIG, I’ve created a new commercial. Look for Johnny on the Odds & Ends page on myfunnystories.com.
So, Barrack Obama compares his bowling to that of a Special Olympics athlete. Sure, he instantly regretted the statement and apologized minutes afterwards, but we can’t let it go that easy. Special Olympics bowler Kolan McConiughey has offered the challenge to you, Mr. President. Not only does he think he is better than you, but he thinks he is a lot better than you. Kolan thinks he could embarrass you on a bad day. Are you going to let this one slide, Mr. President, or are you going to be a man and answer this challenge? Sure, you have other things to deal with, like a crumbling economy, a pointless war, idiotic executives at giant insurance companies and all kinds of leftover Republican nonsense, but these are just excuses. What is this irrational fear you have of Special Olympics bowlers? Is it their ability to throw a large, heavy ball? Is it the fact that they own their own shoes? Did a Special Olympics bowler beat you up when you were a child? Everyone who wants to see Kolan McConiughey put the smack down on Barrack Obama raise your hands. This is on the internet. I can’t see your hands. Put them back down. There you go, Mr. President, millions of Americans want to see you face a real Special Olympics bowler on the lanes some time soon. Are you up to the challenge?
This week’s head up your ass award goes to the Pope for saying that condoms won’t help AIDS. He was heading off on a trip to AIDS ravaged Africa when he said this. Of course, the church believes that abstinence is the best method to stop the spread of AIDS. This may be true, but it’s also very unrealistic. If only all of those Priests could have practiced abstinence instead of molesting underage boys, it might be easier to take them seriously, as opposed to viewing them as a bunch of perverted hypocrites. Isn’t it time the Catholic Church jerked its head out of its ass and moved into the 20th century?
In other news: I thought it was rather ironic that David Hasselhoff had to bail his ex-wife out of jail on a drunken driving charge. Isn’t this the same woman that made public David’s infamous drunken eating a hamburger off the floor video (one of his better performances)? I can’t imagine what these two saw in each other. I’m sure they both make excellent parents for the kids they were fighting over. Isn’t it sad that in a miner altercation with his wife’s lawyer it’s Hulk Hogan who comes off looking like a gentleman and the lawyer who comes off looking like a jerk, even if he did try to pass it off as a joke. I’m sure he didn’t mean any of it. Lawyers are such class acts.
Are you taking John Stewart seriously, yet? Maybe it’s time you did.
Alright, I have held my tongue long enough. It’s time to speak my mind. Why is everyone turning Heath Ledger into a hero for dying of a drug overdose? Why are we giving him awards for dying of a drug overdose? This is not a tragedy. A tragedy is when someone dies in a plane crash at the peak of their career or fights a disease and doesn’t win. Heath Ledger did this to himself. This does not make him special. This makes him an idiot. Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that he died of a drug overdose. I don’t want the youth of the world to think this is a good way to live your life, how about you? This should be the most important thing mentioned when talking about Heath Ledger. He died young because of something he did to himself. Don’t try this at home. You can whine about him being in pain all you want. The way he was doing this drug (if you don’t already know, you don’t need to know) you only do when you just want to get high. It was all the rage a few years back. The way he was doing it makes the rush more intense and it also makes it a whole lot more dangerous. It doesn’t take as much to kill you. Lots of people have died the same way Heath Ledger did. He is just one more person whose ego told him he was better than everyone else. That it couldn’t happen to him. Reality doesn’t care how much money you have or how famous you are. Welcome to the real world Heath. And as far as his performance in Batman is concerned: He was taking a drug in a way that tends to make people violent and crazy. What was the Joker like in Batman? Isn’t this akin to an athlete taking steroids? Was his performance enhanced by drugs? The fact that he died of a drug overdose right after finishing filming on Batman kind of suggests that he was doing the drug while he was filming Batman. He wasn’t acting; he was stoned out of his gourd. Was Heath Ledger a bad person? No he wasn’t. He is just proof that this can happen to anyone. Drugs have a way of taking over a person’s life and turning them into a fool. No, we shouldn’t feel sorry for him. He should have known better. We should feel sorry for everyone he left behind. They’re the ones who have to fight through the pain and keep on living. They’re the ones who should get an award.