It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. I have gotten two really cool deliveries this week. The first was the G2 effects pedal for the guitar made by Zoom. It is amazing. I haven’t had a chance to play with it much yet, but it sounds like it is going to be incredible. The second was the rack I ordered for the top of the new car. We haven’t had the kayak out since I traded in the truck since I had no way to haul it anywhere. Now I do. One of the reasons I bought the VW Jetta Sportwagen was because I knew I could get a rack for it. Now I’m back in business. I love Amazon.com. It is one of my favorite places, even if it is just an imaginary place that only exists in cyberspace. (I know it’s real. I was just making a joke.) If it exists somewhere in the world, you can find it on Amazon. This is actually better than Christmas. When you buy things for yourself you actually get what you want. Let’s call this holiday Extreme Christmas (or something else just as awesome and catch phrasy). Tomorrow the kayak hits the water again and look for a new song coming soon.

I think I deserve a medal, or at least some kind of award. Let me explain why I say this. Having small children in the family is always fun and interesting. The father of two of these young ones is 5’4″ if he is lucky. I found it very amusing to hear the girl say to her younger brother that he will grow up some day and be big, just like Daddy. I think I deserve some credit for not saying anything in answer to this statement. There are so many things I could have said, not that either one of these children understand the ironic nature of what she had said. Here are a few: “Wow, won’t that be an achievement.” “At least you’re not setting you goals too high.” “He can only hope.” “How about when he grows up?” See, I think I did very well by not saying anything.

There are times when something happens that you just can’t keep quiet about. No, I’m not talking about Whitney Houston. (I’ll leave that one alone for now.) I’m talking about the new neighbor’s method of lawn care. First, let me explain that we are in the middle of the winter here in Florida. This is basically the dry season when all good lawns turn a nice shade of brown. This is better than the white color that lawns turn up north. Now some people like to have sprinkler systems so they can waste water, keep the grass green and kill off their grass more quickly since they are not letting it have the dormant period that is part of its natural cycle and occurs during the winter. Now on to the crazy neighbor. He is one of those who thinks he should water the lawn all winter long. Now if he was putting out sprinklers to water, that would be an easy thing to shrug off. But this guy drags out his hose right after the sun goes down and walks around watering it by hand. There are two things wrong here. Number one is the fact that in order effectively water a lawn you really need to saturate it in order to do much good. Walking around the yard with a hose in your hand is not the best way to do this. Second is that right after the sun goes down is about the worst time to water, unless you are trying to grow some form of fungus. Sure, this may be green, but I don’t think this is what they’re after. He has actually found a way to grow some grass (oddly enough much of it seems to be where the septic system would be located) for I saw him out there mowing the lawn the other day. I thought about calling the paramedics to have them standing by. It is not every day you see someone pushing a power mower around their yard in their bare feet. I’m sure that most experts don’t recommend this. The good news is that he does give plenty of free entertainment while I am sitting at the computer.

I wouldn’t really consider myself to be excited about the return of Van Halen, but the fact that I bought their new album on the day it was released and picked up my tickets for their show on the day they went on sale suggests that I might be looking forward to it. I can safely say that I am not giddy. One must show some decorum. What I am excited about is the new effects pedal that I ordered for my guitar. (Weren’t expecting this to go off in some other direction, were you?) It won’t change the sound that you are hearing. The effects you hear on my recordings are all built into the digital recorder that I use. The effects pedal is made by the same company that built the recorder, so it has all of the same effects programmed into it. Now you can see my excitement. I will now be able to produce the same effects while just playing that I can while recording. Now that’s something to get excited about. I was spoiled as a teenager by the fact that I didn’t have a proper amplifier to run my guitar through. What I did have was an 8 track recorder that I used to play the guitar through. It had a left and right microphone jack. I ran the guitar through one side and a mic in the other. It wasn’t designed to be an amplifier, so it gave the guitar a nice and ratty distorted sound. You don’t know how much I miss that old piece of junk. I haven’t been able to produce quite the sound I have wanted since leaving the old thing behind when I first moved to Florida a thousand years ago. I do like the sound I am now able to get out of the guitar thanks to the recorder and the different ways I can do this. I was really hoping it would be here today (but that was probably pushing it). Those bastards didn’t bring it. Now I will have to wait until Monday.

I know that many of you out there have been waiting for my thoughts on the new Van Halen album, “A Different Kind of Truth.” (It doesn’t matter. You’re getting them, anyway.) I guess I would have to say that the original lineup of Van Halen is about my most favorite band ever. I’ve listened to a lot of different music in a lot of different styles and I can’t think of anyone that I would really put above them in my book. The release of “A Different Kind of Truth” is something that some of us have been painfully and anxiously waiting for since somewhere around 1985. Sure, we suffered through the Sammy years, but still held out hope. And then there was that other thing that I won’t even mention here or even contemplate. There has been the promise of a David Lee Roth reunion for a few years now. The rumors have flown. And then Sammy released that autobiography. All I read of it was the excerpt that was printed in Rolling Stone where he thoroughly trashed Eddie Van Halen. But I had to take all of this with a grain of salt and wonder just how sour his grapes really are. So Eddie is a perfectionist who takes his sweet-assed time about recording a song. The end product is what really matters. I have had a chance to listen to “A Different Kind of Truth” a few times through now. I wish I hadn’t had to wait so long for this one, but it was definitely worth the wait. There is some great music here. You get 13 songs here with some great guitar work by Eddie (no matter how much trouble he went through getting it recorded to his liking). I don’t think I could really pick a favorite at this time. I don’t think there is a bad one on here. It is great to hear Dave again. His fun loving ways and voice were just as important to the personality of the original band as Eddie’s guitar playing. There are a couple of moments on the album where Dave seems to be trying to reach a neighborhood that he can’t get to anymore (or never could), but that is just a miner thing. The best example of that is in the song “Outta Space.” It is still a good song that I have no problem listening to. “China Town” and “Bullethead” are a couple of great ass kickers. “Get Frosty” is a nice song that showcases the fun that Dave brings to the band that Sammy never could on his best day. Drummers don’t always get their due, but Eddie’s big brother Alex Van Halen was always one of the better drummers out there, and still is. I kind of miss the harmonies that former bass player Michael Anthony brought to the band, but you don’t really notice it’s not him playing the bass. Eddie’s son Wolfgang seems to be doing a good enough job. As far as I am concerned, “A Different Kind of Truth” is well worth the price. This is only the second album I have ever bought on the day it was released. The other one was Van Halen’s “Diver Down.” Let’s hope it doesn’t take nearly so long for them to release another one. The next test is going to be seeing how well they can pull off a live show. Hopefully I will be able to make it to one of them. The last time I saw Van Halen was when they were touring in support of “Women and Children first.” I’m assuming the playlist has changed a little bit since then.

Alright, so I was wrong on one little prediction.  The Buffalo Bills didn’t find a way to have every other team in the NFL killed off so they could make it to the Super Bowl.  They probably still would have found a way to come in second, even if they were the only team there.  So now we are subjected to another pointless game between two forgettable teams wedged between the commercials and around the half time show that everyone has really tuned in to see.  (If I have offended you by insulting your team then get a sense of humor.  No matter how big they want you to believe it is, it’s still only a game.)  So kick back and have fun watching and hope they actually turn it into a game . . . and see if you’re one of the few who can remember it in the morning.

There are exciting times ahead, people.  And I’m not talking about Donald Trump endorsing Mitt Romney.  I’m talking about all of the exciting things that are in mind and will soon be coming to www.myfunnystories.com.  There will be a new song on the way in the near future.  There is also the chance of a new advertiser coming to the Odds & Ends page.  If all of the laboratory testing goes well, it should be an important and revolutionary product that I’m sure those of you out there who have any sense will just have to have.  That’s all of the hint you will get until our legal department has a chance to bail themselves out of jail and have a look at the agreement.  You know how those lawyers are . . . at least the ones I can afford.  Yes, it should be interesting.  Stay tuned . . . if you dare.