OJ Simpson would like a new trial on his stealing back his sports memorabilia case. He has, of course, already been convicted on those charges and now sits in prison doing whatever former athletes do in prison. I don’t know if they are allowed ointments for that. The Juice says he got bad advice from his former lawyer and wants a new trial to explain what really happened. He was misinformed about the legality of charging into a hotel room and taking back what once belonged to him. There is some question about whether or not there was a gun involved. OJ is going with the I didn’t know robbery was illegal defense. I guess one man’s robbery is another man’s finders keepers. Well, good luck with that, OJ.
The new Insensitivities at www.myfunnystories.com takes a look at having a Jobe moment.
The new Story Of The Month is here. Go to www.myfunnystories.com to join Buck Nekkid as he is “Seeing Red.”
Social media is an amazing thing. You can get in touch with family and friends that you haven’t seen in years or even some that you have never met. And even some that think they may be related but really aren’t. This happened to me recently. First, some background. Back when I was young, a member of my family did some research and found a story about three brothers with our family name with an extra e on the end who came to this country from France back in the 1600s. At the time, we wondered if they were our ancestors, but had no definitive proof. We have more recently discovered that these are not our ancestors. Our first ancestor also came here in the 1600s, but under different circumstances. Ours came from England, was most likely born in Wales under a different name and came to this country while on the run after the royal family at the time was overthrown, he being a member of the court in some capacity. He killed a person with our current surname who had already booked passage to the new world, stole his identity and took his place on the boat. I like to think that what he did was done out of necessity and, if not justified, at least understandable under the circumstances. There are no reports of criminal activities after he got here and he seemed to be well respected in the community (if you don’t count his wife being convicted of witchcraft). A while back, a teenager requested a friendship on Facebook because I have the same first name as his father (as well as the last name). I agreed because he had the same last name and wondered if he was the offspring of one of my cousins that I haven’t seen in years. No, he’s not. We were trying to figure out if we might be related. When he mentioned his ancestor who came to this country with some brothers and had that extra e tacked on the end of their name and later dropped, I knew that there was no chance that we are actually related. The closest that we might come is that maybe the guy whose identity my predecessor assumed was a relative, but that is the best we can hope for. I don’t have the heart to tell him this, though. He sounds like a decent kid. Oh well, maybe next time.
Here’s an interesting story. An NBA star recently came out of the closet and announced that he is gay. This isn’t the story I was talking about. The interesting part was what an ESPN commentator had to say about this coming out. The commentator, I believe his name was Doosh Bagge, said that he didn’t agree with homosexuality, that it was a sin, as all sex between a man and a woman outside of marriage is a sin. Now I understand why they are so against gay marriage. This would make sexual relations between two people of the same sex to no longer be a sin. We couldn’t have that, now could we? If we make sure that gay marriage is always illegal, than homosexuals will never be able to have sex with each other. It all makes perfectly logical sense now . . . to someone out there in wonderland. Can you see just how easy it could be to solve all of the world’s problems if we just stop living in the real world?
A musical version of the film “Rocky” is headed to Broadway. . . What? Yes, that’s what I said. A musical version of the film “Rocky” is headed to Broadway. Sure, “Rocky” was a great film, but a musical version on Broadway? Yes, I can see Rocky mumbling and stumbling his way through a heartfelt tune, but I don’t think this show was meant to be a comedy. And then there is the sight of two big guys dancing and singing their way through a fight scene. That doesn’t sound any gayer than an Ultimate Fighting match, but what could. Oh well, hopefully Sylvester Stallone will make a ton of money off of this show. He certainly hasn’t milked enough money out of “Rocky” yet.
A terrified woman recently witnessed two kittens having sex in her yard. After capturing the whole thing on video and posting it on the internet (just kidding), the woman proceeded to call 911 to file a complaint. It was not known whether or not the police bothered to respond to this dangerous threat, blaming budget cuts for lengthy response times. There is no telling how long this poor woman was forced to stare out her window in horror while watching these two cats fornicate in her front yard. Maybe she was even forced to waste some of her own lotion while waiting for the police to arrive. it’s not like she could just stop watching. The cats might have gotten away while she was distracted by life and stuff. And what might have happened if the police did arrive? Did they bring their own broom or were they forced to borrow one from the woman so they could chase the two miscreants away (after capturing it on video and posting it on the internet, of course)? So many questions arise when I read stories like this.
It is that time once again. I can feel it in the air. I can smell it in the wind. Yes, it is time once again to look into that old crystal bowel and see just what the future has in store for us. Excuse me as I grab this first one as it attempts to rush by in a violent flutter. Yes, I see it now. The Kardashians will be involved in an all new reality show that will shame all other reality shows. It will be called “Someone Please Kill the Kardashians” and will feature the fine family in a fight for their lives. The producers of the show will put a bounty on the head of one of the family each week and it will be up to some lucky person in the viewing audience to collect it. But don’t make a mistake and take out the wrong one. There is a penalty for that. You will be forced to spend quality time with the rest of the family if this happens. The show will be a big hit, but it won’t be back for a second season. All good things end way too quickly. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan will get in some kind of trouble that involves some kind of partying, but I’m sure you already know this. Elvis Presley will finally come back to the world from the island he’s been living on with his good friend Jim Morrison and scarf down several peanut butter and banana sandwiches washed down with a wholesome glass of milk. And, after taking a hardy dump in one of Graceland’s bathrooms and not bothering to flush, he will wander off and disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. Glenn Beck will say something sane and then quickly recant his statement when he realizes what he has done. The box will finally get upset and not let anyone else get outside of it. Guns will be made a mandatory part of the Kindergarten curriculum. Let the games begin. The new Pope will visit Disney World on gay day and finally figure out what his calling was really all about. Someone will read this and not have a clue what it all means. The Republicans will regain the White House in the next presidential election, since it will be time for another Bush to have his turn in the office. The rest of us will stick our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. Bob the Builder and Handy Manny will get into a huge cock fight (literally) over who is the better builder. No victor will be decided upon, however, but the new couple will find a way to merge their two shows into one two grand and glorious build-o-rama. Someone somewhere will have something great happen to them, but no one will care, since it didn’t happen on a reality show. And those are just a few of my predictions for the upcoming days, weeks and months ahead.
I recently had the opportunity to attend a 65th wedding anniversary. That is a milestone that very few people will achieve. Think about what it takes to get there. You have to get married at a relatively young age (probably around the late teen/early twenty age in order to make it) and then actually stay together into your 80s. The two would have to be able to stand living with each other for 65 years. Most marriages start out well but don’t have a happy ending. Too often, people let a physical attraction tie them together only to find out after the initial excitement wears off that they really don’t have that much in common, the relationship devolving into one of contempt. I know for a fact that I will never see a 65th wedding anniversary (at least not one of my own), not that I don’t have a chance of hitting my 80s but because I would have to reach around 130 years of age in order to reach that amazing milestone. My parents will never reach 65 years, either. They may have a chance at 50 years of divorce, however. That would be quite an achievement in itself. Myself? I have never been married, but I have spent as much as 9 years with the same woman. There were mitigating circumstances, however. I see no reason why the current relationship won’t continue to work out. That is a most romantic way to put it. So, for that happy couple who has been able to stay sane, friendly and together for 65 years, not to mention stay alive for 85 years, I say happy Anniversary. See you for the 70th.
Too many people are dying. Now we have lost brilliant improv pioneer Jonathan Winters. Winters was an early comic genius who inspired the likes of Robin Williams and Jim Carrey. The beginning of his career was a bit before my time, but I remember him appearing on television in different shows and movies. My first memory of Jonathan Winters was his guest appearance on an episode of “Scooby Doo,” of course. He was a man of many voices who could think on his feet. He could be given one simple prop in front of a crowd and instantly come up with several characters and comic uses for it. Jonathan Winters did great things for the world of standup comedy and will most definitely be missed. Thanks for the great memories you left us with, Jonathan.